Point #2: Schoolhouse Jiggle

What does a baby like to do all day? It likes breastfeeding and watching moving colors with music (a mobile, for example). So, if you want to make a baby coo with your TV shows, you probably want to have some fine Saturday morning cartoons. Nonviolent cartoons with no story. Exactly what Schoolhouse Rock was. Schoolhouse Rock was a popular favorite with Generation X - my generation.


How popular? De La Soul sampled "3 is a Magic Number." Bill Bellamy had a classic stand-up routine in which he deconstructed "I'm Just a Bill" as a tirade against Richard Nixon. Black entertainers weren't the only ones who were wistful about the educational cartoons. The whole cast of "Reality Bites" sang "Conjunction Junction" in unison. Atlantic Records released an album of hip '90's acts doing remakes of Schoolhouse Rock called Schoolhouse Rock! Rocks. And it didn't have post-grunge garbage like Candlebox. It had the alpha and omega of cool: Pavement and Ween. Yeah - rockers and rappers agreed on two things in the '90's: smoking pot and Schoolhouse Rock. The Simpsons referenced it. God forbid you didn't respond to Schoolhouse Rock references. In my high school, if you didn't remember Schoolhouse Rock, you had to wear a scarlet 3 on your left breast.

None of these references went over my head, of course.How could they? ABC's power was too great. Entertainers that had no affiliation with ABC liked Schoolhouse Rock. Artists - true artists like De La Soul and Pavement - shilled for the Rock. Why would they unless they had to coerce me to join the crowd and sing "I'm Only a Bill;" to join the contemporary Gen-X Schoolhouse Rock movement?




But ABC stole my attention from the other six channels by showing me what any breastfed infant likes to see - plenty of mammaries. ABC went #1 in the Nielsens with what was called "jiggle TV." Let's cut the bullshit: jiggle TV meant "Charlie's Angels," which premiered in 1976 - the year I was fucking born.




Why would ABC show an infant breasts? Babies know one thing: breasts=food. So if I associate ABC with breasts, through some twisted mutation of Pavlovian conditioning, I associate ABC with food. Thus, ABC at an early age gives me a primal attachment to its network. I can't breastfeed anymore, but I can still watch Desparate Housewives.

Not convinced that I know my whole life is on ABC and I'm not taking a shot in the dark? Point #3 is coming up tomorrow and you know what they say: three is a magic number.

Continue