Point #8: Masculine/Feminine
My failure to connect with strangers outside of my friends and family convinces me that my whole life is staged. All my tributaries of boundless good-naturedness slosh against a dam of hushed contempt. Pretty transparent formula, if you ask me.
Strangers=poor extras without any lines.
Which explains the hushed, witless banter of passsersby. The sitcom formula allows for only friends and family to have the good lines. Kind of like a cell phone plan.
Even friends make me feel like a stranger sometimes, especially when they talk about sports knowing that I am not a sports fan. I don't mind if my fellow guy friends talk about sports. I like to hear how the Yankees are doing every know and then. The problem is when Sportscenter is on. Then, it's an endless conversation about the Unit, Motumbo, Earnhardt and how ugly the WNBA is. Sportscenter is on ESPN. Disney owned ESPN after it bought ABC. ABC bought it in the '80's. Why? I was a developing boy in the '80's and if I didn't watch ESPN as a boy, I would grow up feeling emasculated.
Well, their ploy didn't work. Not that I tried to be effeminate, but even if I did, I would run into another entrance of the Magic Kingdom. My friend Liz knows every Disney song on the planet and most females I meet love Disney musicals. My other friend Sonda watches nothing but Lifetime movies. Yes, Disney owns Lifetime. And Oprah, the matron saint of strong femininity, is on ABC.
Refusing to indoctrinate myself with either of Disney's schools of gender definition, I stopped watching television and plunged into the gender-neutral Web. So there you have it, ABC: the star of your show; a gender-neutral underachieving problem drinker who hates football, musicals and jokes about having eight bowls of ice cream after a guy doesn't call.
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posted by Mo Diggs at 6:52 PM
4 Comments:
neutral web? perhaps this event here is disney's evil plan to rule your world! you cannot hide
http://money.cnn.com/1998/06/18/deals/infoseek/
they are buying up the internet!
-Linfluenza
I see dead people...
1:27 AM
Thanks for the tip. Figures that they announce this deal after - not before, but AFTER - I write my blog. With my luck, everyone will use the infoseek portal and, when people type "abc" and "blog" in the search engine, my blog won't come up once.
Wait - you might be the first non-actor I speak to. Tell me, what is life like? Are the shows on TV really bad? Do people really watch TV? Is the Internet a lot quicker? Are girls really so picky that they can't show love to a slightly chubby but trully gorgeous non-Deluisian?
Please write back,
Mo
PS: What dead people do you see? Are they all buried in Celebration?
3:51 AM
I watch your show about once every other month. You do have some good one liners.
Advantage- I think not!
The only dead people I see are the execs who made your show. They should have cast you an italian sidekick. There always good for a laugh.
1:59 PM
As I always like to joke, my life is on ABC: no wonder it sucks. I think the execs all have senioritis and are sitting around like lame ducks waiting for the series finale next May, which explains why nothing much is going on on my life.
I first thought Linfluenza was a non-actor, but then I realized that he was trying to scare me from using the Internet, which means that he's working for them. But you, courageous anonymous person - could you really be a non-actor?
If so, have you been to LA? Is Hollywood Blvd. really that much smaller than Times Square? Do I really have to invest in a port-a-pottie if I want to walk the streets of LA again?
Write back,
Mo
4:01 PM
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