Point #15: Point #2 of the Two-Point Season Finale

Maybe it's just me and my whole life isn't on Channel 7.
Maybe these are all just coincidences that I exaggerate.

If so, then my fifteenth point and all my other points ring hollow.

Point #15: I will make my own Internet show in which I write, direct and star in all of the episodes. I will hire actors to play my friends and family members. The site for the show will have a store where people can buy merchandise with the characters' names on it. I will make profit off all the purchases. If ABC sues me for copyright infringement, then I will know my whole life has been a TV show on ABC.

How would ABC feel if I profited off characters that they had all rights reserved to and they didn't see one damn dime? Could they resist sending out a cease-and-desist? They'll really be taking it on the chin with my show.

The character that you know as Mo Diggs will be forever altered. He will buy beers for kids, throw cigarettes out of car windows in heavily-wooded areas and go to peepshows. He will steal tips from bartenders and drown mice in vats of whipped cream.

Not one Disney product will be promoted; not one protestor will smell bad. Not one war will be fake.

The show will be released in the last week of August before the Fall season begins. I must admit, it feels good to come out on top. To have higher ground. To be continued.

THE END

Point #14: Point #1 of the Two-Point Season Finale

A few months ago the clandestine ABConspiracy tugged on my last nerve when they made me break up with my girlfriend.

Fighting over the remote control was one of our favorite pasttimes. For those of you who haven't watched the show recently, this was our way of flirting. I would pry it out of her hand, she would hit me, I would get on top and tickle her and we would cut to a Celebrex commercial.




We broke up, but you probably never saw the petty tiff that started the whole fight. I wanted to watch the season premiere of "Family Guy" a few weeks ago.She wanted to watch a rerun of "The Practice," the old ABC legal drama, natch. I reluctantly gave her the remote since I was at her apartment. In a brazen attempt to humiliate me, she turns on the TiVo playlist.

"You recorded this show?,"I said.
"Yeah, so?"
"We can watch it later then, right?"
"I've been waiting to see it all day."
"Have you been waiting two fucking years like I have for 'Family Guy'?"
"No, but 'Family Guy' is dumb."
"Can you record 'Family Guy' for me and watch this show at the same time?"
"Don't tell me what to do. First you tell me to exercise more-"
"I said today looks like a good day for a jog."

At this point, we argued about other things which, if you haven't seen the episode already, I don't feel like explaining. But I'm confident you know we broke up. All over a stupid ABC promotion my girl tried to con me into playing along with.

And all my friends not hanging out as much as they used to lately. You think I don't know they are filming movies this year to be released in May of next year? The year I turn thirty and my show, "An American Life," is over? Why else would they all stop hanging out with me at the same time? Of course they don't want to be typecast as "Mo's friends from 'An American Life'."

Well I have some replacements lined up for them.

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