How to Read this Blog

Read this blog from the first post, not the latest post. Just trust me.

Point #15: Point #2 of the Two-Point Season Finale

Maybe it's just me and my whole life isn't on Channel 7.
Maybe these are all just coincidences that I exaggerate.

If so, then my fifteenth point and all my other points ring hollow.

Point #15: I will make my own Internet show in which I write, direct and star in all of the episodes. I will hire actors to play my friends and family members. The site for the show will have a store where people can buy merchandise with the characters' names on it. I will make profit off all the purchases. If ABC sues me for copyright infringement, then I will know my whole life has been a TV show on ABC.

How would ABC feel if I profited off characters that they had all rights reserved to and they didn't see one damn dime? Could they resist sending out a cease-and-desist? They'll really be taking it on the chin with my show.

The character that you know as Mo Diggs will be forever altered. He will buy beers for kids, throw cigarettes out of car windows in heavily-wooded areas and go to peepshows. He will steal tips from bartenders and drown mice in vats of whipped cream.

Not one Disney product will be promoted; not one protestor will smell bad. Not one war will be fake.

The show will be released in the last week of August before the Fall season begins. I must admit, it feels good to come out on top. To have higher ground. To be continued.

THE END

Point #14: Point #1 of the Two-Point Season Finale

A few months ago the clandestine ABConspiracy tugged on my last nerve when they made me break up with my girlfriend.

Fighting over the remote control was one of our favorite pasttimes. For those of you who haven't watched the show recently, this was our way of flirting. I would pry it out of her hand, she would hit me, I would get on top and tickle her and we would cut to a Celebrex commercial.




We broke up, but you probably never saw the petty tiff that started the whole fight. I wanted to watch the season premiere of "Family Guy" a few weeks ago.She wanted to watch a rerun of "The Practice," the old ABC legal drama, natch. I reluctantly gave her the remote since I was at her apartment. In a brazen attempt to humiliate me, she turns on the TiVo playlist.

"You recorded this show?,"I said.
"Yeah, so?"
"We can watch it later then, right?"
"I've been waiting to see it all day."
"Have you been waiting two fucking years like I have for 'Family Guy'?"
"No, but 'Family Guy' is dumb."
"Can you record 'Family Guy' for me and watch this show at the same time?"
"Don't tell me what to do. First you tell me to exercise more-"
"I said today looks like a good day for a jog."

At this point, we argued about other things which, if you haven't seen the episode already, I don't feel like explaining. But I'm confident you know we broke up. All over a stupid ABC promotion my girl tried to con me into playing along with.

And all my friends not hanging out as much as they used to lately. You think I don't know they are filming movies this year to be released in May of next year? The year I turn thirty and my show, "An American Life," is over? Why else would they all stop hanging out with me at the same time? Of course they don't want to be typecast as "Mo's friends from 'An American Life'."

Well I have some replacements lined up for them.

Continue

Point #13:Desperately Seeking Reality

I started writing for the Long Island Paper in October of '04. The editor-in-chief and I hardly had anything to talk about. I overheard him talking to the senior arts editor about "Desperate Housewives" one day and the senior arts editor said,"Yeah, everyone is talking about how 'Desperate Housewives' will kill reality TV."



Doing a little more research on the web (when I moved away from home again, I had no television in my new place), I saw this article in which a CNN entertainment writer "mistakenly" called "Desperate Housewives" a reality show. Har-de-har-har. A brave journalist gets choked for clearing the smoke. Who's to say my reality wasn't really a fictional show? The success of "Desperate Housewives" and ABC coincided with my meteoric rise by joining the Long Island Paper. Since ABC was having a good season, my character would get a break because now, for the first time since maybe the early '90's, more people were likely to watch my show.
After I told the editor-in-chief that I watched the new hit series, he said "Yeah, it's great." This is the only conversation we ever had. Five months later, he promotes me from editorial assistant to journalist. Wow. Promote one ABC product and the world is yours for the taking.
This doesn't only work for me. After all the eyerolling over the Bush administration's idiotic search for WMD's, his moronic social security plan and the sharp drop in civil liberties, Laura Bush makes one joke about "Desperate Housewives" and becomes the cat's pajamas and slippers.

Maybe if I promote "According to Jim," I'll get laid for free tonight.



TWO-POINT SEASON FINALE ON MONDAY!!! DON'T MISS IT!!!!

Point #12: You Guessed It

In the comments to my last post, Linfluenza quoted Walt Disney: "Disneyland is the star. Everything else is in the supporting role."
'Nuff said. Since protest was no option and I was hellbent on scaring advertisers away from sponsoring my show, I began to read communist works. After finding The Communist Manifesto to be the most boring 48 pages in the history of Western literature, my inclination was to Google communist art web sites. The best site I found was this. It had all these wacky comic strips and a kickass essay on cultural Marxism by the hottest friggin Trotskyite I know: Esther Leslie.
Now what could be more anti-Disney than communism? You guessed it: communism isn't anti-Disney - it's just mad because it plays a supporting role. Esther Leslie wrote a book lauding early Disney films as esemplastic exercises in revolutionary transmogrifacation.
If a communist writes a book, she knows that the book is a commodity. Why pretend to escape the capitalist system? Walking away from the stinking mass of Bolshevik theory, I rode the copyfight wave. The Boing-Boing crew tirelessly documents the stupidity of copyright law. Even if the writers on it were fat-cat Republican oil tycoons, they deserved credit: in no way would they support a corporation - even Disney - that sued anybody for copyright infringement.
That Cory Doctorow, one of the writers of the site, loves Disney should come as no surprise. That he wrote a book called Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom should come as no surprise. How can I knock him for extolling Disney when I'm a TV character on ABC myself? He merely plays a supporting role.



Continue

Point #11: Ooh, That Smell/Can't You Smell That Smell

This point is real easy to make.

One day in spring of '04, I saw a website that linked to an ad for a Disney protest. It decried Disney's sweatshop practices. For those of you numbskulls who don't know, Disney owns ABC. So what could be more fun than a reality show star like myself to completely lambaste the network he works for by shitting on its parent company.
Seems a lot of people were shitting on Disney at the protest. How else could you explain the smell of all those malodorous, malnutritioned malcontents? Most people would walk away thinking: a) protestors smell bad; b) they can finally find a white chick - sorry, a white postfeminist who blurs the lines of gender codes with her rainbow bandana - who will accept them no matter how bad they smell. For a few seconds, I thought the latter.
But I was thinking. The ruse would be too obvious if Disney paid all the people around me to act like they like Disney. There has to be some form of dissent to make it realistic. Walking down to Central Park after talking to the Indian cabby about Aishwarya Rai, I felt for the first time since 1996 like I wasn't on TV. Hanging my head in soul-crushing disappointment, I left the demonstration realizing that Disney paid the Disney-hating extras to smell bad. The unbearably noisome throng was too much for one enlightened individual to withstand. So
I walked back with ABC making me look like I realized protesting against Disney was useless.



Note: I'd like to thank Linfluenza and Buddafied for being forthcoming and telling me my life is on TV. All those crack scandals you read about me in the papers aren't true, I swear. Check out Buddafied's blog. Wait - he didn't write another post - maybe THEY GOT TO HIM!!!

Continue